Last year for Mother’s Day I entered a writing contest about motherhood, sharing the lessons we learned from our mothers. I don’t talk a lot about my family prior to having children but in the spirit of Mother’s Day I thought I could give a different perspective. I’m sharing this here because so much of living a healthy life comes also with the healing we do from the heart. This is what sets people free. I believe people are put into our lives for a reason.
Here is a piece of my store…
Lessons I Learned From My Mother
I share this with you holding a heavy heart, knowing my story and what it took to be the person I am today. A lot of who I am is because of her. Even though I didn’t have much of a relationship with my mother I can’t say that she didn’t teach me many valuable lessons. Some of which I’m still in the process of learning.
As children we tend to place our parents on pedestals, seeing them as perfect, never really understanding their actions and how they will affect us in the long run. As we grow and become parents ourselves we see them as they are, human.
I was born the daughter of a drug addict. Even though I was too young at the time to understand what that really meant, I was still imprinted with the harsh realities of what that brings. But as a child she was still perfect. I honestly don’t really remember much of her. She was always gone, in & out of jail, never really around to build the memories most of us hold in our hearts of our mothers.
Eventually I lost her. I say that because that’s what it felt like. As a child, I found myself desperately trying to hold on but it got to a point where she was too far gone to even show up for herself much less me.
She was offered many second chances to be a part of my life but never did she take them. She was lost, lost in her own struggles and pain. Over time it was normal to not have her around. My father remarried and as I would love to say that my new mother was all that I dreamed of, she was not. I see now the purpose of my mother(s) as hard as it is to admit, they were there to break me.
The foundation that most parents build in us is usually strong and solid so that we may build on from that in confidence that no matter what the experience is, the foundation below will be there holding us together. My foundation was broken, cracked, and incomplete. Over the years the insecurities got to me. Feelings of abandonment and unworthiness were constantly present in my everyday life. I began to live for the approval of others, leaving me lost in who I am and what my purpose is. I ended up pregnant at 16. And as many people would say that my life would only get worse, they were wrong. It saved me.
Becoming a mother saved me…
Children provide us a mirror to look at ourselves. And as much as it might have been hard for my mother to look at herself, I felt a comfort in being that mirror for her. Once I saw myself through the eyes of my child I was able to find the profound healing I had been looking for. And through this healing I saw my purpose.
I came into this world with a broken foundation, not because I am a victim of circumstance but because it was part of my journey. My journey is one of a healer, it has been the theme of my life. As I work to heal my past, I feel strong in the present moment that all things happen for a reason.
My mother died of a heroin overdose in a park bathroom and for years I held so much shame not just for her but for me as well. This is were I came from and I have let the shame of my story get the best of me, I think we all do this at some point in our lives but it’s when we truly accept ourselves and our stories that we can then let go of the shame and heal our hearts. I have grown a love for my mother like never before. As I grow in love for her, I know I grow in love for myself. Each day I get closer to truth and understanding in who I am and what I want to offer the world and it’s through these lessons that I can stand tall and have faith in my path.
My lesson is one in acceptance.
I ended up winning the writing contest and got a lot of positive feedback from people. Sharing my story isn’t always easy but it’s through this experience that I have openheartedly allowed healing in my life. To all the mothers out there, Happy Mother’s Day!
First posted on www.iknowsomebodyhouston.com